For several years, I worked as a Marriage & Family Therapist and a Registered Art Therapist in San Diego with an organization that provides emergency safe housing for people escaping intimate partner violence. Most are women with children. I want to share a few things that I learned from those brave families that may help you as you are dealing with a stay-at-home order or “sheltering in place” with your children.

When people are going through something traumatic, their fight or flight system gets turned on.

The families that entered the safe house were going through an extremely traumatic event and suffering many losses.  Here are just a few of the things a family who is sheltering at a safe house may experience.

•  The children often cannot see their friends. It is not possible for them to invite their friends to a safe house.  Families are advised to not visit the neighborhoods/areas where they formerly lived.

• Children are not able to continue attending their school. Sometimes it takes weeks to get them enrolled in a local school nearer to the safe house. During that time, children are with their parents 24/7.

• Some families fear going outside because being in public there is a chance that their abuser will be searching for them. They feel very vulnerable to go out to get groceries or take care of other business outside of the safe house.

• These families are isolated from other family members because knowledge of their whereabouts could put them all at risk from the abuser. Children often express sadness about not getting to go and see grandparents or other family members.

• In addition to these stressors, the families are living in an unfamiliar place, with unfamiliar people, often without their own toys, clothes, beds, school items, and other personal belongings. They may even have left pets behind.

• Parents may not be able to go to work, because the abuser may show up at their place of employment and follow them back to the safe house. Additionally, finding childcare may become an issue. So, they sometimes lose their jobs.

• Typically, the family members, no matter what the age, begin having difficulties sleeping if they weren’t already having a problem.

• Because of the trauma of the abuse, these families can experience diminished coping that leads to system overload. They often struggle with feelings of scarcity and unfairness. Children may regress, and the family members are challenged in getting along with one another.

These families often wonder how long they will have to live on high alert, with upheaval and lots of uncertainty.

Somehow, these courageous parents make it through.  While I am not able to share their confidential stories, I do want to share some of the things that help these families in their challenging circumstances. Most of these ideas are simple, but keeping things simple right now is really, really important if you are at home with your kids, feeling isolated, anxious, and discouraged.

• Focus on what is good. I saw moms express thankfulness for the smallest of things. Daily write down at least three things that you and your children feel grateful about.

• Schedule time to do something fun with your kids. Plan something you can all look forward to in the near future (like the end of each week). It doesn’t have to cost anything. It can be playing a game, walking on the beach, or creating a craft together. This time of year, making holiday cookies together can be a special treat.

• Listen to quiet music and meditations. For you and for your children listening to something soothing, just before bed can really help calm everyone down to set the stage for sleep.

• Journal about this time.  It can help get “it” out, instead of holding it all in and then leaking tears or exploding with anger.

• Limit time on your phone and other devices. Especially if you have young children, they need to see your face. Your whole face, your eyes, and your smile so they can really feel attached to you and feel a sense of security.  

• Take breaks from your children. If at all possible, trade childcare with another parent in a similar circumstance so you can rest, exercise, or do whatever you want that helps you feel a bit recharged.

Here are some additional tips that I share with clients, as an Encinitas Therapist and a Registered Art Therapist in San Diego, CA that can also help your family weather this time.

•  Keep yourself grounded. Your kids are dependent on you. What I have witnessed in my work is that if you as the parent can be okay, it helps your kids be okay. I’m not talking inauthentic or perfect. I’m talking about being real, but also grounded and as stable as possible.    

• As a parent, learn how to do relaxation exercises and then really practice them as often as needed. Do an internet search, put an app on your phone, talk to a therapist, etc. Do whatever you can to really learn how to do relaxation exercises and deep breathing. Research bears out that this is really, really helpful and it doesn’t take much time.

• Teach your children how to do relaxation exercises and deep breathing. Once you learn, then teach them, practice together every day. A particularly good time is at night before bed. 

• Create art with your children. As an Art Therapist in San Diego, I suggest art. I often work with children and adults, sometimes parents with their children together to help increase their bonds and improve communication. Children enjoy making art, and it can also help you spend some time in the here and now, focused on just being with your children.  Research suggests that shading simple, designs like mandalas with coloring pencils can reduce anxiety.

• Don’t confide in your kids about the issues you need to be talking to other adults about. Phone a friend, text your sister, set up a video session with a therapist, but don’t use your children to hold you up emotionally. If you’re mad about the school situation, finances, your job, or the scarcity of items at the store (hopefully not toilet paper again), talk to an adult. When you talk about issues for adults to solve, with your kids or in your kids' hearing, it can increase their anxiety. Trust me on this one.  Even if your kids are older, they don’t need to hear you pour out anger about all the things that are uncontrollable right now.  

• Join with your child. I know there are limitations to what we can do, but your kids, especially the younger ones, but even your teens, may just need some extra time with you. Just you, without your phone, tablet, or laptop. Take a walk, hike, or ride bikes together. Don’t underestimate the power of reading a book together or putting music on and just dancing. If your child loves anime, watch anime. If your child loves video games, have them teach you. Get into their world. They really need you right now. They are missing a lot if they can’t see their friends, go to school, or see their grandparents.  You are a big part of their whole world.

• Remember happier times.  View pictures as a family, of times that were special or extra memorable because they were positive and fun.  That trip to the zoo, that time at the beach, the Halloween party, that 4th of July BBQ.   Look at those pictures and really savor that memory. What sounds, smells, tastes, contribute to that happy memory?

This is a trying time. Remember you are not alone, and this will not last forever! 

As an Encinitas therapist and a registered Art Therapist in San Diego county, I work with children and adults. If you are feeling overwhelmed and need help in managing during this time, you can click here to book a free, 15-minute phone consultation directly through my website.

If your child is struggling, click here to learn more about the child therapy I provide. Also know, sometimes the best therapy for a child is a parent who is getting adequate support.  I have experience with anxiety, trauma, grief & loss, and other life transitions. If you are looking for a local Encinitas therapist or online therapy you can read more about how I can help here.  

Take care and be well!