You’re struggling with parenting. How to know when your child needs therapy.
Parenting is hard, so this is definitely not a drive-by guilting. Sometimes you feel anxious about the things your family, and ultimately your child is going through at school or at home. You wonder if your kid should see a child therapist. One thing I have witnessed over the years is that if a parent can remain relatively calm and take care of themselves, no matter what the issue, their kids cope better.
It’s not that kids go unaffected, but they will make a better adjustment and experience less anxiety about whatever is going on in their life. The big stuff and the less big stuff. So how can you help them? Do they need therapy? Do they need to learn coping skills? Maybe a better question is ‘Do you need therapy support first and foremost, so you can show up calmly in the midst of what is going on’?
Anxiety Therapy for Adults
I don’t know how many times I have heard this, and you probably have to… you know, the overused clique about putting your mask on when you're on an airplane before you help someone else with their mask. Someone explained to me, you literally don’t have time to put someone else’s mask on and then yours. You will run out of oxygen faster than you can imagine and you will pass out. When something major happens, the first thing parents naturally want to do is make sure their kids are alright. I get it, I’m a parent too.
When you can have the presence of mind to first seek help for yourself, “get your oxygen mask on”, your kids will fare better. If you do end up taking them to therapy later on, they will probably be in therapy for a shorter period of time. Why? Because they are not also dealing with how you reacted in the midst of a family crisis. You will be able to better attune, be calm and not overreact.
Additionally, in times of crisis or stress, this is especially true. If you’re not able to take good care of yourself, you may be more vulnerable to parental burnout. That being said, kids can benefit from therapy when they won’t talk to you about what is going on, and what is going on is impacting their ability to function at home and school.
How do I know if I have parental burnout?
While not an official diagnosis, burnout in general is fatiguing on an emotional, cognitive, and physical level. You’re dragging yourself out of bed. You don’t look forward to interactions with your work, and in the case of parental burnout, you may dread interactions with your children and your parenting responsibilities.
Interactions with your children may become increasingly negative. You’re focused on the to-dos, just surviving, and no longer enjoying special moments with them. You may feel numb, overwhelmed, or even resentful by all the responsibilities. It’s difficult to be loving and focused on the connection from a place of burnout. You need to find a way to care for yourself.
Treating Anxiety
Loss is one of those crises that can make it difficult to parent, and lead to parental burnout. I have worked with kids who have lost a parent. In those circumstances, if the surviving parent doesn’t take care of themselves and get support, a child can actually feel like they have lost both parents. The surviving parent can be so consumed with their own grief, and anxiety that their children, who they love so much, can feel emotionally abandoned.
The same can happen with other issues of loss that come up in families, including health issues, marital issues, and financial concerns. Parents need help not only navigating their own emotions but also getting support around helping their kids during stressful times.
Parent Anxiety and Child Anxiety can go hand-in-hand
You may be tempted to just bring your kid to see a child therapist to learn skills. I really encourage you to get support first, to help you parent calmly and responsively. Sometimes what you are going through, is bringing up reminders of past family issues, all the stuff that happened when you were a kid. While you thought you would never parent as your parents parented, here you are, in a similar circumstance, possibly repeating a pattern.
Your parents really needed support during a difficult family time, and they didn’t get that support. Instead, they showed up in your family, when you were a child, with all their anxiety, grief or anger, and poor coping. They did the best they could, but they weren’t able to model how to cope effectively. You, however, can show up for your kids, calmly, modeling positive coping. No matter what you’re going through.
My name is Tami, and I have helped many adult clients parent their kids during some of the most challenging times of their lives. I’d like an opportunity to help you too.
Free consultation for Anxiety Treatment in San Diego North County
I hope this blog encourages you to seek help for yourself, no matter what you and your kids are going through. They need you, above all else.
If you are looking for help for your anxiety, that may be impacting how you parent, click here to read more. I’m in San Diego North County, where I provide anxiety treatment in San Marcos for adults and children.
If you are interested in learning more about the child therapy I provide, please click here.
Click here to visit my contact page where you can check my availability, and book a free, phone consultation.
Thank you for visiting my website. I hope you found this blog helpful. Take care and be well.
Tami